Posted by Yael on July 4th, 2008 in General

Recently, we asked several middle school age kids what they like most about school. Four answered, “Seeing my friends” and the fifth said, “Nothing is good about school; it’s all hard work.” We asked the fifth kid if anything makes up for the hard work, and guess what? He said seeing friends is the only thing that makes it bearable. Some kids added that friends are handy when you need to call someone to find out what the homework is.

Clearly, our kids have different priorities than the teachers do: teachers focus on academics and the kids on friendship. But the most interesting of all the responses was the one from the sixth child, who responded, “Having friends is how you stay safe.” We asked what he meant and he said that if you have friends, they look out for you and keep you from being bullied or getting depressed.

Finding friends can indeed be difficult for some kids who have challenges, and this also becomes difficult, and sometimes, heartbreaking for parents too, as we watch our kids struggling with this most fundamental joy of life. The question becomes what to do about it. Here are some ideas.

When inclusion was just beginning in Colorado, Jana, a sweet 10 year old who couldn’t speak and or walk, was just one of the kids with challenges in the class of a teacher who was new to the school. Among Jana’s 30 classmates were another child in a wheelchair, three kids with deep emotional needs, five kids with ADD or ADHD, one kid who stuttered, and one kid with Aspergers. It turned out to be the best year of school for all of these kids! How? This wonderful teacher smiled as I explained how to create “A Circle of Friends” around the daughter of my client, especially when we spoke about how this would be great for ALL the kids in the class.

The teacher opened group membership for the Circle to the class, looking for volunteers to be friends with Jana - half the class joined. The group not only had fun together (my client’s mom offered her hot tub for outings), but also problem-solved how to get everyone involved with activities. The kids (led by the teacher) figured out how to get everyone involved during recess. They talked about how everyone in the class needed phone calls, and started to make them — even to the nonverbal kids, who squealed with delight on the phone. Some of the kids got “driver’s licenses” in order to push the kids in the wheelchairs. This group, which came into being around one child, created a warm, caring, accepting environment for all the kids in the class. Jana became simply a member of this caring group of friends.

There are some good resources for helping kids learn to be friends and to find friends. Some of my favorites are:

• Social Skill Autopsies: A Strategy to Promote and Develop Social Competencies by Rick LaVoie. You can find this at: http://www.ldonline.org/article/14910
• Do’s and Don’t For Fostering Social Competence by Rick LaVoie. You can find this at: http://www.ldonline.org/article/6168
• In Jarvis Clutch - Social Spy, Dr. Mel Levine teams up with a fictitious middle school student who “spies” on other kids to find out what it is they do in friendships. It’s in story form and delves into quite a number of issues.

In the meantime, remain supportive — warm loving families are often the safe haven for kids who are isolated. We’ll have more on this topic later on, as it is a crucial one for kids.

Happy 4th of July - am off to check out my local fireworks! I never tire of them.

Yael

PS. There are quite a few materials out on how to create “A Circle of Friends” - do a search on google and feel free to contact us at Advocates[at]K12Advocates.com for more information.